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- Chuck Norris tried to round-house kick me in the face once, but he’s really old, so I moved out of the way and he fell to the ground and just kind of laid there.
- Chuck Norris has yet to find the G-spot. Scientists find it perplexing that Chuck Norris doesn't know his way around his vagina.
- Chuck Norris was born Chuck Stevens but took his wife's name when they were married.
- Chuck Norris once had sex with a man, not because he was gay, but because he had run out of women. When he let the man cum in his mouth, that was because he was gay.
- Chuck Norris always insists that he's joking when he sniggers in his camp voice, "I'm going outside to have a fag, and then I'm going to have a cigarette." But we all know he's not joking.
- It is no happy coincidence that Chuck Norris and LaToya Jackson have never appeared in public together.
- Richard Simmons once told Chuck Norris to quit acting like such a fag.
- When asked what his favorite movie was, Chuck Norris replied, “The Notebook. No, no, no, wait I’m just kidding! It's Garden State.”
- When Chuck Norris jumps in a pond, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet, the water gets soiled.
- If you say "Chuck Norris" into a mirror ten times on Friday the 13th, Chuck Norris will show up behind you with an axe. Then he'll try to sell you the axe to support his various substance addictions.
- Chuck Norris's favorite Mario Kart character is Princess Peach. Princess Peach's favorite "Walker, Texas Ranger" character is Jimmy Trivette.
- Although Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is extremely effective, he has two right feet and can therefore only use it if his enemy is on his right. Stand on his left and Chuck Norris is as dangerous as Barney the Dinosaur's yellow friend.
- Chuck Norris has to employ a legion of Mexican landscapers to suppress the wilderness that is his back.
- In preparation for his future role as a gay cowboy, a young Jake Gyllenhaal spent a year as Chuck Norris' understudy on the set of "Walker, Texas Ranger."
- Chuck Norris was the studio's original choice to play the lead role in the movie, "Boys Don't Cry." Hilary Swank replaced him because test audiences found him to be gayer than 9 guys blowing 8 guys.
- If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may not realize how much he's actually aged.
- Chuck Norris attempted to count to infinity. Backwards. He didn't know where to start.
- Chuck Norris is currently suing ABC, claiming Hope & Faith are trademarked names for his left and right breasts.
- Chuck Norris' mom was in labor for three more days following his birth: one for his ego, one for his intelligence, and one for his talent. The latter two were stillborns from lack of oxygen. Only Chuck Norris' ego survived.
- Michael J. Fox didn't have the heart to tell Chuck Norris that his acting in "Walker, Texas Ranger" was forgettable, so he just told the world that he had Parkinson's.
- Chuck Norris has no friends on MySpace. Not even Tom.
- Chuck Norris once fought Vin Diesel...and got absolutely fucked up.
- Chuck Norris goes to bars and slips roofies into his own dirty martinis in hopes of getting picked up.
- As a child, Chuck Norris was often caught spooning with other ginger kids during nap time.
- When they asked Chuck Norris to be in Brokeback Mountain 2 he simply said "How many sex scenes?"
- Chuck Norris' farts are silent and deadly. Deadly because of their potency, silent because his butthole is extremely loose.
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