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- Chuck Norris gives all his friends back, sack and crack waxes. But he is very gentle with them.
- Chuck Norris is proud of the facts that his pubes are longer and girthier than his penis.
- Chuck Norris only started taking Karate lessons because his friends made fun of the fact that he went to Yoga classes on Tuesday and Thursday.
- Chuck Norris spilled his milk when he was 30. He still cries over it.
- Chuck Norris fears no man! Only women.
- "Brokeback Mountain" is based loosely on the events of Chuck Norris' life.
- Chuck Norris was seen running out of Jenny Craig crying because his strict diet of Tony Danza's spunk didn't work.
- Chuck Norris gave a thumbs up on "Dodgeball" because he thought William Shatner was asking him out.
- Chuck Norris has a summer home on "Brokeback Mountain."
- Chuck Norris adopted a young black child so he could test out his racist jokes first.
- Chuck Norris doesn't like fat chicks. He loves them.
- Chuck Norris wears Strawberry Shortcake pyjamas.
- Who would win a race between Superman, The Flash and Chuck Norris? No one, Chuck Norris is too busy jerking them off.
- Chuck Norris sits down to pee.
- Chuck Norris uses live rattlesnakes as condoms. Tiny, baby rattlesnakes.
- Chuck Norris has to wear a helmet to every meal, not because he is special, but because Christie Brinkley loses her temper when the airplane is not allowed to land.
- Chuck Norris once ordered a Big Mac from Burger King, and got one, because no one wanted to hear him pout about it again.
- On the set of the movie Sidekicks, Chuck Norris and Joe Piscopo had a real fight. The loser was declared to be humanity because they both lived.
- Chuck Norris puts dye in his beard because he is afraid of grey hairs.
- Chuck Norris won't suck one, but he will hold it in his mouth until it goes soft.
- Chuck Norris lights mini-scented candles around the tub when he takes a bath.
- Chuck Norris checks his closet for Michael Jackson before he goes to bed. He is disappointed when he doesn't find him.
- For Chuck Norris, the roundhouse kick is not a signature move; it's just the closest he can come to his high school cheerleading days, which he misses sorely.
- Chuck Norris paid for a beer in a dirty glass with money out of his coin purse.
- Chuck Norris once backed out of Celebrity Boxing, fearing the wrath of Gary Coleman.
- Chuck Norris found this page and said, "Shit! I guess my unfounded and unearned popularity is over." He spent the next four hours lying face down on his silk duvet cover crying into a down pillow. Anything less wouldn't have provided enough comfort.
- Chuck Norris caused Hurricane Katrina and encouraged George W. Bush to let Michael Brown handle it.
- Chuck Norris was approached by Mattel to market his controversial Homo Kung Fu Doll. However, the test market in San Francisco found it too gay and went with the Ru Paul Line instead. They kept the Kung Fu grip.
- Chuck Norris once was at the theater watching Crossroads, when someone spotted him sending the following text message to someone: "Count me in on the gay clown orgy."
- Chuck Norris has the ultimate World of Warcraft character! But he joins parties and leaves halfway through and always causes guild drama.
- Chuck Norris was once invited back to his high school to speak at a graduation. Upon his arrival, Screech, Slater, Kelly, Lisa, and Jesse said, "That's not Zack Morris, that's Chuck Norris!" Mr. Belding broke the bad news to the class that Zack would not be attending the graduation, then delivered a roundhouse kick to Chuck Norris and sent him to detention.
- Chuck Norris didn't go to college, but his mom did!
- Chuck Norris' ejaculatory fluid is composed of 100% Noxema skin cream.
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