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- Chuck Norris' vagina is so wide that his thighs don't touch even when his legs are crossed.
- Chuck Norris scored an 8 on the “Are you a good boyfriend” quiz in Cosmo.
- Chuck Norris is seen at the pet store weekly buying gerbils.
- Chuck Norris orders the “side salad with low-fat dressing” at a BBQ joint.
- Upon hitting puberty, Chuck Norris had a zit on his ass the size of a cantaloupe.
- Chuck Norris once got a splinter and was rushed immediately to the ER, screaming “I’m too young to die!” the whole way.
- Chuck Norris’ favorite color is lavender.
- Chuck Norris’ inflamed prostate is the size of a watermelon, and produces really gross shit that has no use in any way in modern society.
- Chuck Norris once had an affair with Ralph Macchio on the set of The Karate Kid.
- Chuck Norris once shook my hand. It felt like I was holding on to 5 wet noodles of spaghetti.
- Chuck Norris uses 5 tampons a day. The heavy-duty kind.
- Chuck Norris once went into a bar and was heard saying, “I’ll have a Mike’s Hard Lemonade.”
- Chuck Norris does not sleep. He lies awake in regret.
- The chief export of Chuck Norris is diarrhea.
- Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the chance of success. Chuck Norris wanders around aimlessly with a gun.
- Chuck Norris' blood type is AK-47. It is compatible only with bullets. Chuck Norris is full of holes.
- Chuck Norris is 1/8th Grand Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry; the man drives a fucking Jeep.
- The Chuck Norris food pyramid consists of sperm and Haagen Dazs.
- When Chuck Norris sings karaoke, it's always Jewel. And you can bet your ass that you won't see him looking at the monitor for the words.
- And on the third day God said, "Let there be light." Because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark.
- Chuck Norris lost a fight to death with a paraplegic. He was given the first punch.
- Chuck Norris invented cornhole… but it wasn't a game played with beanbags.
- Chuck Norris refuses to fight in the Octagon; he will only step foot in the Decagon because there are more corners where he can cower in fear.
- Chuck Norris is hung like Snuffleupagus, and only Big Bird can see it.
- Chuck Norris wets his bed on a nightly basis because he likes the warm feeling.
- Chuck Norris watches the Olympics, but only for the pole vaulting competition, when he can be heard screaming "Plant that pole and unleash on the backside!!" at the top of his lungs.
- Chuck Norris' IQ test came back negative. Most people thought he'd score lower.
- Chuck Norris is such a man he once performed a roundhouse kick and reversed the rotational axis of the earth, pulling time and space into a single black hole, in which all Chuck Norris fans eagerly packed into in the hopes of going back in time to an earlier period when they actually had a chance of getting a girlfriend.
- Chuck Norris' beard is actually candy floss. The pretend tough guy cannot get enough and saves a little on his face for later.
- Chuck Norris jacks off to Pottery Barn.
- Chuck is going bald. When I told him Vaseline would grow hair back he said, "No way, if that were true I'd have a pony tail growing out of my ass by now."
- Chuck Norris once ate a 72 oz steak in an hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waiter.
- Chuck Norris' friends call him Bull. Not that the man's tough; he just fucks cows on the weekends.
- Listen up everyone. This website is fun and everything, but SERIOUSLY spay and neuter your pets! Chuck Norris has a serious beastiality problem and inter-species relationships never turn out pretty. Thank you.
- Chuck Norris holds the world record for the biggest gaping asshole. He achieved this by voluntarily checking himself into the Mississippi State Penitentiary and purposely dropping the soap in the shower. His ass saw more black dick than a KFC urinal. Guided tours into Chuck Norris' ass are now available for a nominal fee.
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